Wednesday, May 07, 2008
It hit me.
I have not been putting in effort in my academics. It sucks. Totally. I was the lowest in every single test. Chemistry. Human and Physical Geography. And I recently flunk my Chemistry SPA.
This cannot continue. It can't. I will die if it does. I took my Maths test reluctantly just now.
Deep down, I tried to be frank with myself. No consolation or denial to the reality. I know I am a screwed up kid now. I just knew it. I did not even attempt one of the question.
I took the
fatalistic approach.
Resign to fate and accept the inevitable.
Ironically, I was fully aware that it was a negative mindset. At that very moment, I recklessly chose to give up.
My teacher came. Scanned through my effortless sheet of worthless junk and her expression changed. I understood what that look meant. It showed how pathetic and hopeless I am. I agree.
She talked to me. A mere nag and scolding were being utilized on me.
I felt extremely guilty. So much so that I want to self mutilate and pain myself.
Cut into the deep veins of my arm to make sure I get a feel of how lost I am now.
It is sad to see myself not doing well.
It is disappointing to see myself feeling so unmotivated.
It is way too depressing to witness the state I am in now.
I need the
good old support and
heartwarming encouragement from friends.
I lost touch with that feeling. I could not recognize that emotion anymore.
Simply incomprehensible.
Yes. I need motivation. Not from RJC students or any smarty pants out there.
Just a conventional and simple support from friends.
I
miss that.
The feeling of being cheered on and aware that there are people rooting for me just behind, not far away.
Can I have a smooth sailing life in Nanyang?
I am not emo-ing. I am only angry at myself for being so complacent and kiddish.
I guess I have to constantly remind myself that life is getting tougher in which the fittest will survive. And the weak will be eradicated. Thats how brutal it is. And it will be worst. Labels: Realization
7:21 AM
NAZREEN. updated!
